Friday, September 30, 2011

Chicago Bears - Vortex of Suck

It is days after the Green Bay Packers most recent slaughtering of the Chicago Bears, but the extent of just how much the Bears suck still hasn't worn off or faded away. It just sits there…and bubbles.

Perhaps it is the vision of Bears sissy quarterback Jay Cutler flinching as he walked to the sidelines at one point in that last game. I guess with an ineffective offensive line like the Bears have it is understandable; Cutler gets more hits than Google. He is like Inspector Cluseau’s boss in the old Pink Panther movies, jittery, twitchy, shell-shocked.

Or maybe it is the realization of the expected disgust at how quickly Chicago and Bears fans revert to humanity’s lowest levels of behavior once they lose the game. They hate everybody. The coaches, the quarterback, the refs, the victors, each other; like tomato sauce at a spaghetti party – it’s everywhere. Of course you knew this was going to happen because it always does, but watching it raise its ugly head again is simply disgusting.

Even the city itself hates. Sunlight is not allowed within Chicago’s borders. Gloom just rolls in from Lake Michigan in the morning and rolls out again at night. Smiles are not allowed, nor is happiness; just obnoxious behavior. One is not allowed to speak unless his or her communication includes vulgarity, perversion, evil and psychotic fascinations. The regular intake of inhaled carbon monoxide and bus fumes is required.

But listening is banned. A Chicago-an must never listen, he can only speak. When someone tries to talk to him, he is forbidden from hearing what that person has to say. Instead, he must begin talking very loudly using plenty of curses, until his is the only voice. At that point he has won, so he moves on the next conflict.

It was probably fated that Chicago would always suck. If you look at a map, it becomes apparent that it is the very sewer for Lake Michigan. What happens when Lake Michigan gets flushed? You guessed it, all the nasty stuff drains right into Chicago. (You thought Soldier Field was a football stadium? Nope. Toilet bowl.)

Add to this that it is also the low-point in the region and the entire state of Wisconsin also drains right into Chicago. Just look at a map, it all runs downhill. These phenomena have in effect contributed in making Chicago what it is; essentially, the Vortex of Suck. In fact, Chicago’s Suck is so strong that residents of Green Bay do not even need to flush their toilets, the Suck from Chicago just pulls it through the pipes and it lands on the desk of the Chicago Bears head football coach. For as it turns out, Soldier Field is the very center of the Vortex of Suck.

Some would have you believe that it was the Bears who brought Suck to Chicago and created this vortex. This theory does not have scientific fact to back it up, however; kind of like Al Gore’s global warming.

So the Chicago Bears really stood little chance to do anything other than to suck. It seems to have been fate.

But given that their role is indeed to suck, they certainly are doing a fine job at that.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

The Bears Still Suck Still and Packers Win Again

Jay Cutler is the best 9 year-old female quarterback in the NFL.

And from his sporadic, herky-jerky involuntary right shoulder twitches, it looks like he might be the NFL's best Turret's sufferer, too.

Honestly, he looked like Steve Young when Young was a child. He is skinny, whiny, throws temper tantrums and mopes around like any other Real Housewife. He is almost as much of a spoiled little diva as Chicago's Devin Molester.

No wonder the Bears fans boo their own team more than they cheer for them.

Sure Urlacher made some plays, but he's always going to make a few, that is a given. But other than his play, the Bears had nothing. No run game. No pass defense. No discipline. No professionalism, just the regular dissipation into self-destruction. Eventually every Chicago Bear and every Chicago Bears fan end up eating their young.

The only good thing in that stadium not wearing yellow and green was the 27-17 score on the scoreboard. Everything else sucked.

The Packers tried to suck by getting a train-load more penalties than they should have, but guys like Greg Jennings, Jermichael Finley, Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews and the run stoppers of the Packers kept them alive. Ryan Grant also got to contribute, which is good for him because he is so hungry to do so after last year's injury; it is also good for the Packers. Grant had a solid running game.

So getting out of Chicago is always good, but getting out with a convincing win is better.

The Bears lost. The Vikings lost. And the Bills even took down the Faketriots. It was a great day in the NFL.

Blaze Orange Bears Suck Too

Someone within the Chicago Bears dis-organization thought that it was a good idea for the Bears to show up to today's game against Green Bay in blaze orange jerseys.

Knowing that they had to change something up because they were humiliated by the Packers twice at the end of last year, including the Bears loss to them in the NFC Championship game, some genius decided that the orange jersey was the answer.

Maybe it was a subliminal message to try to get out of the cross-hairs of Green Bay; for everyone in this region knows that Cheeseheads wear orange when they hunt deer (state law); perhaps this was , er, aimed at the Packers to activate their instinct to hesitate while on the hunt when they do see orange. Bears are afraid of humans, after all, and will try anything it seems.

But let's not mince words here, the orange and blue jerseys suck. They look like salmon eggs. And a Bear of any other color is, yes, still a hated Chicago Bear.

And though Brian Urlacher and Jay Cutler may enjoying wearing orange skirts and orange heels when they dress up in drag on Friday nights, the orange and blue jerseys really have no place in the NFC North. Nor do the Bears.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Packers Give Cam the Shaft

(Streeter Lecka, Getty Images)

Carolina's rookie phenom quarterback lit up the sky in Charlotte Sunday, but guys like Charles Woodson and Aaron Rodgers gave Cam (Newton), in the end, the shaft.

Newton's early brilliance eventually met up with the cunning of Woodson as the legend snagged two of the quarterback's passes for interceptions. Later, Woodson would run down a loose Panther ball for another theft.

After the latter turnover, the television camera found Woodson sitting on the bench enjoying a cup of Gatorade...but it could just as easily have shown a shot of a cat sitting with bird feathers in it's mouth as people fretted about trying to find a missing canary. So often after the ball has been stolen from the opposing offense, there is a follow-up shot of Charles Woodson; the cat who ate the canary.

As regularly advocated on this blog, they should not wait until the future to put Charles Woodson the the Hall of Fame, they should do it immediately! Today. The guy can and does give any quarterback the shaft either from his interceptions, his forced fumbles, his fumble recoveries, his reckless tackling, or his lightening blitzes. Charles Woodson is a dangerous man.

But there were other Packers who helped put Cam and the Panthers into the shaft. Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers found both Greg Jennings and Jordy Nelson open behind enemy lines and each dashed into the end zone for big-yardage scores. So much rookie drama canceled out by two effortless Rodgers passes.

Running backs Ryan Grant and James Starks also had a big role in turning out the lights in Carolina. For a certain period of time, Packer coach Mike McArthy decided to advance the ball down the field via the ground game. Both running backs demonstrated toughness, speed, durability and dependability as Green Bay established a definitive running game. Of course, as the Panthers shored up their defense to answer the running game, Rodgers stabbed them in the heart with a touchdown pass.

The Packer defense allowed more points and yards than they should have, but the likes of Newton, a 6'5" slasher, is pretty rare in the league. Teams will have to begin to figure out how to stop him. For now, he remains an anomaly with a bright future. And Newton got to meet fellows like Clay Matthews and BJ Raji, usually followed by meeting the Carolina turf. Matthews was again a relentless wild man effecting all areas of the football field, and Raji the monster in the middle. Though Carolina is known to not have a running game, all the defensive men in green worked to confirm that suspicion.

Though the Packers win was not pretty, the team did not panic when it found itself down early 10-0 before the Packer offense had even stepped on the field. Indeed, they showed poise. A strong Panther rush took away Green Bay's signature wide-open passing game but the Packers found that the pressure could not stop screens and the rushing game; the Packers, thus proved themselves adaptable and versatile. Donald Driver caught one pass. Jordy Nelson caught one pass. James Jones caught one pass. Each were only thrown to once. So it was not a typical Green Bay game, but championship teams find a way to win. And the Packers did just that.

Sorry Cam. Welcome to the big league.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Who Can Keep Up With the Packers?

The 2010 Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers began their league title defense tonight at home in Lambeau Field against a highly-touted team from New Orleans.

But did the Saints have what it takes to stop the multi-tooled Packer offense? Nope. Nobody does. Which is why the Packers are the reigning NFL champs.

For how do you stop Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Donald Driver, Jermichael Finley AND Ryan Grant, James Starks and John Kuhn? Answer: you don't. Doesn't matter if you were the 2009 NFL champions; doesn't matter if you were the NFC North champions; you don't have an answer to Green Bay threats. You can't stop them.

Now if tonight's game was any indication, you can score on them. The Steelers did in the Super Bowl. The Saints did tonight.

But the real question is: Can you keep up with them?

The Saints came close. The Chargers might be able to. But no matter who you are, you had better have a lot of horses in your stable, because it the 2011 title will be a race of thoroughbreds.

It is great for the NFL champions to return to their home field. It is great for the NFL season to be under way. And it is a great year to be a Green Bay Packer fan. This team is loaded!