Packers Put Vikings in Chokehold; Give Charles Woodson a Cape

Not only did the Minnesota Vikings not have the answer for the high-powered Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field on Monday night, they played like they didn't even know what the question was.

Sure Jared Allen spent more time in the Packers backfield than Ryan Grant, but he really got little help, even from a great running back and a pretty good rookie quarterback.

Because what was different about this game is that defensive coordinator Dom Capers finally dialed up a whole phone book of blitzes and pressure packages for the waning Vikings which made the whole defense look good and continually put the Vikings in poor down and distance situations.

And when Capers dials up such chaos, it becomes clear that Charles Woodson needs a dang cape - he flies around the field like Superman and makes more plays than Shakespeare. Even SoCal Clay Matthews got into the sack-tion.

The offense looked typically sharp, and all credit goes to their tremendous weekly effort. But it sure is a sweeter day when the defense performs as well.

Tonight was the first game this year when the Packers began to play up to their potential. Previously they have performed like mere juveniles compared to their true capabilities.

Ponder This: Charles Woodson is a Dangerous Man

Charles Woodson is a dangerous man. Ax-murderer dangerous. Shackles and leg irons dangerous. Hide your women and children. Especially of you are a rookie quarterback starting your first NFL game.

And so the Vikings shiny new quarterback Christian Ponder came out pretending he was a gun-slinger and helped give his team the lead for most of the first half. But then he tried to sell his act to the wiley Woodson. Result? Ponder can add himself to the list of those NFL quarterbacks humiliated and victimized by Charles Woodson. As Woodson takes another bow.

But Woodson did not win this game alone. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers exhibited a nearly perfect game. Andrew Cobb decided to stop playing for the Vikings and join in the Packers efforts instead. Closing pitcher James Starks came in relief of Ryan Grant and dug the knife deep with some wicked, punishing running late in the game.

Though the Vikings proved once again that records do not matter in the NFC North and made it interesting, the Packers generally dominated the second half and, most importantly, once again found a way to win.

The Vikings tried passing the ball, running the ball, and even kicking Packer players in the groin, but Green Bay overcame Jared Allen, Adrian Pederson, and the referee's poor call on a Clay Matthews roughing the passer- that wasn't.

But the Packers are still not playing 'well,' or up to their potential; they have a lot of room for improvement. Perhaps if Dom Capers will dial up some pressure on the opposing team's quarterback here pretty soon, it won't put so much pressure on Green Bay's injury-riddled defensive backfield.

Regardless, once this unbeaten team starts rolling, they are going to be a pretty darn good football team.

Pack Spams Rams

The Acme Meat Packers did what meat packers do yesterday against the visiting St. Louis Rams - they killed them, cut them up and canned them.

Though some may call rams big game, it was the meat packers Aaron Rodgers who had a big game at the big game at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. Rodgers, the Packers .12-gauge, was merciless to the Rams as he delivered one deadly shot after another in the second quarter. It helped that Al Harris was on the visiting team - all Jordy Nelson had to do was imitate Plaxico Burris and Harris obliged by getting burned for a 90+ yard Packers passing play for a touchdown. One had to think Jordy must have felt like he was sitting on top of the world as he paused there on the rail during his ensuing Lambeau Leap to drink it all in.

Nelson has an outstanding Lambeau Leap, which, you will remember, is much better than Aaron Rodgers' Lambeau Leap...Rodgers Lambeau Leap still sucks. But as long as he keeps dishing the touchdown passes to Nelson, Driver, Jones, Jennings and Finley, we won't complain.

Decked out in their brown helmets and pants, and navy and yellow jerseys which get better looking with each win, the meat packers also shot down all attempts by the Rams to get into the end zone. Though allowed to graze almost at will on the other parts of the green Lambeau turf, the Rams just couldn't butt their way through when the Packers defense got stubborn near the goal line. PackSmack speculates that the meat packers were just letting the rams fatten themselves up on the nutrient-rich Lambeau grass to make better ram spam at the end of the day. If so, that would be a real caper by, er, Dom Capers. But let's hope that the season closes soon on such generosity by the Packers defense.

Also memorable was some punishing blows delivered by the meat packers .44 magnum, James Starks, who seems to have as big of heart as Ryan Grant and maybe a little more power. As the explosiveness of the .44 magnum is legendary, so Starks is starting to become known for packing a hefty portion of gunpowder when he slams through the line and through the defense.

And .50 cal A.J. Hawk also did some unforgettable damage as he blasted his way through everything Ram and destroyed the St. Louis quarterback. Together with Clay Matthews, 52, these dual weapons might be called 'Ma Deuce,' the twin fifties. And when they get sacks, Matthews can hold up his index finger, while Hawk can continue to hold up the other half of the peace sign, the finger he likes to hold up.

So what's on the menu this week? Plenty of Ram Spam. And cheese.

Compliments of the Acme Meat Packers.

Green Bay Burns Atlanta

It was sort of like the Civil War. You know, the Confederate Army looks for a fight, then does some damage like at the battle of Manassas. Well, the Atlanta Falcons did just that as they dominated the first half of the game against the visiting Green Bay Packers, reigning NFL Champs.

Perhaps the Falcons were still bitter about the crushing they received in the NFC playoffs courtesy of the same Packers. Regardless, they came out and blasted out two touchdowns on their first two drives. While Green Bay had nothing. Except the will to find a way to win.

And then things got worse for the Packers as their only healthy offensive tackle, Chad Clifton, went out with an injury. The Packers were suddenly left to bring in pass protection packages which left few slots for receivers.

But just as the Union Army began to turn the tide of the war with swift moves at Gettysburg, Green Bay struck hard with a quick score as James Jones hauled in an Aaron Rodgers pass and did the rest himself. It wasn't long after when Greg Jennings out-hustled Atlanta defenders and sliced his way into the end zone and suddenly the Packers had a solid lead.

Meanwhile, as in the Civil War where General Sherman marches his Union troops into Atlanta and burns it to the ground, the Packers defense had figured out how to stop the Falcons and the team then enforced their will the rest of the way.

PackSmack thinks that Green Bay's Jermichael Finley ought to spend less time on practicing his celebrations for the rare occasions when he does catch a ball thrown to him, and more time on focusing on actually catching it.

Aaron Rodgers played great football. James Jones and Greg Jennings played full-throttle football. The Packers offensive line and running backs played gutsy football. And the defense played inspired football...in the second half.

But the game ball has to go to coaches McCarthy and Capers. These guys were the genius behind a difficult game to win. But together, and with a patient, talented team, they found a way.

Packers Soar - Broncos Can't Keep Up

The Denver Broncos are not a horrible team; they just brought their horses and their horsepower to an event at Lambeau Field where the Packers play on jet fuel. And the results showed as much.

With Green Bay's quarterback Aaron Rodgers delivering air-bombs to all his favorite receivers for touchdowns and rushing for two more, the Broncos found that they simply could not compete.

Effective runs by James Starks and multiple gains in the short passing game set up the Broncos defense for Rodgers' pin-point down field passes. The Packers offense was flying high in all areas of the game, playing at an altitude far above the mile-highers, and putting up a convincing 49 points.

Their defense also showed up to play, shutting Denver's run down early leaving the Broncos fate in the hands of Kyle Orton and his talented receivers. Orton did do some damage and Green Bay's pass coverage did yield yards and points. But the defense not only giveth, they also taketh away. Making more turnovers than Sara Lee, they really contributed in getting Rodgers and the offense back onto Lambeau turf. Charles Woodson's early interception was just the start. Soon everyone was in on the action, getting picks, picking up fumbles or recovering onside kicks.

This game was lopsided, and the Broncos were as out of place on this field as Budweiser's Clydesdale's would be on the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier.

And though Aaron Rodgers' Lambeau Leap really sucks, the Green Bay Packers are a very good football team. The sky's the limit.

Chicago Bears - Vortex of Suck

It is days after the Green Bay Packers most recent slaughtering of the Chicago Bears, but the extent of just how much the Bears suck still hasn't worn off or faded away. It just sits there…and bubbles.

Perhaps it is the vision of Bears sissy quarterback Jay Cutler flinching as he walked to the sidelines at one point in that last game. I guess with an ineffective offensive line like the Bears have it is understandable; Cutler gets more hits than Google. He is like Inspector Cluseau’s boss in the old Pink Panther movies, jittery, twitchy, shell-shocked.

Or maybe it is the realization of the expected disgust at how quickly Chicago and Bears fans revert to humanity’s lowest levels of behavior once they lose the game. They hate everybody. The coaches, the quarterback, the refs, the victors, each other; like tomato sauce at a spaghetti party – it’s everywhere. Of course you knew this was going to happen because it always does, but watching it raise its ugly head again is simply disgusting.

Even the city itself hates. Sunlight is not allowed within Chicago’s borders. Gloom just rolls in from Lake Michigan in the morning and rolls out again at night. Smiles are not allowed, nor is happiness; just obnoxious behavior. One is not allowed to speak unless his or her communication includes vulgarity, perversion, evil and psychotic fascinations. The regular intake of inhaled carbon monoxide and bus fumes is required.

But listening is banned. A Chicago-an must never listen, he can only speak. When someone tries to talk to him, he is forbidden from hearing what that person has to say. Instead, he must begin talking very loudly using plenty of curses, until his is the only voice. At that point he has won, so he moves on the next conflict.

It was probably fated that Chicago would always suck. If you look at a map, it becomes apparent that it is the very sewer for Lake Michigan. What happens when Lake Michigan gets flushed? You guessed it, all the nasty stuff drains right into Chicago. (You thought Soldier Field was a football stadium? Nope. Toilet bowl.)

Add to this that it is also the low-point in the region and the entire state of Wisconsin also drains right into Chicago. Just look at a map, it all runs downhill. These phenomena have in effect contributed in making Chicago what it is; essentially, the Vortex of Suck. In fact, Chicago’s Suck is so strong that residents of Green Bay do not even need to flush their toilets, the Suck from Chicago just pulls it through the pipes and it lands on the desk of the Chicago Bears head football coach. For as it turns out, Soldier Field is the very center of the Vortex of Suck.

Some would have you believe that it was the Bears who brought Suck to Chicago and created this vortex. This theory does not have scientific fact to back it up, however; kind of like Al Gore’s global warming.

So the Chicago Bears really stood little chance to do anything other than to suck. It seems to have been fate.

But given that their role is indeed to suck, they certainly are doing a fine job at that.

The Bears Still Suck Still and Packers Win Again

Jay Cutler is the best 9 year-old female quarterback in the NFL.

And from his sporadic, herky-jerky involuntary right shoulder twitches, it looks like he might be the NFL's best Turret's sufferer, too.

Honestly, he looked like Steve Young when Young was a child. He is skinny, whiny, throws temper tantrums and mopes around like any other Real Housewife. He is almost as much of a spoiled little diva as Chicago's Devin Molester.

No wonder the Bears fans boo their own team more than they cheer for them.

Sure Urlacher made some plays, but he's always going to make a few, that is a given. But other than his play, the Bears had nothing. No run game. No pass defense. No discipline. No professionalism, just the regular dissipation into self-destruction. Eventually every Chicago Bear and every Chicago Bears fan end up eating their young.

The only good thing in that stadium not wearing yellow and green was the 27-17 score on the scoreboard. Everything else sucked.

The Packers tried to suck by getting a train-load more penalties than they should have, but guys like Greg Jennings, Jermichael Finley, Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews and the run stoppers of the Packers kept them alive. Ryan Grant also got to contribute, which is good for him because he is so hungry to do so after last year's injury; it is also good for the Packers. Grant had a solid running game.

So getting out of Chicago is always good, but getting out with a convincing win is better.

The Bears lost. The Vikings lost. And the Bills even took down the Faketriots. It was a great day in the NFL.