Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Results of Packers-Chiefs Game: The Bears Still Suck! and The Three Major Reasons Why

Photo by John Sleezer

Realistically, the Packers final preseason game against Kansas City was simply, "Let's see who isn't going to get injured," and "Let's see who is going to get cut."

So we had key starters not even playing, up-and-comers getting their chance, and those on the bubble trying to get one last chance to convince the coach to keep them on the roster. In kick-returner Cherry's case, I don't think the coaches were convinced. In running back Lumpkin's case, he might have done enough to save his skin, depending on how the Packers want their backfield aligned.

But all those decisions are the ones that coach McCarthy and all the other NFL coaches are making at this moment; though choices that can change lives and teams.

And besides these types of decisions, there were really few other revelations to arise out of the Packers-Chiefs game except this: The Bears Still Suck!

Yes, we know the Packers will be pretty good this year, or even very good; and there is the chance that they might be great. We don't really care about the Kansas City Chiefs, where they are at or how they actually thought they looked against the Packers. Cheeseheads don't care and say to the Chiefs, 'You had your chance in Super Bowl I and we cleaned up on you, so whatever.'

Which leaves the only telling result from this game, namely the extreme suckiness of the Chicago Bears.

For those who do not know, the Bears have sucked since they were mere Cub-glints in George Halas' eyes. In fact one of the three main contributing factors as to why the Bears do suck, the fact that George Halas himself sucked, is one reason why the Bears were doomed to suck forever from the very beginning. (May the reader please note, though there are three Major reasons why the Bears suck, there are thousands or even millions of less-than-major reasons which contribute to why the Bears suck. Such reasons cannot be called Minor, because nothing that makes you suck is minor, hence they are referred to as less-than-major.)

Yes George Halas sucked. Out of respect for his family we will concede that since his passing, he no longer sucks. But while he was here, the old goat sucked heavily.

He did underhanded and unethical things to the Packers, which then forced Cheeseheads to retaliate. One such story of Cheeseheads being forced to get even is when the Bears would come to town, a rag-tag team of Cheesehead 'musicians,' posing as a band, or perhaps even the actual City Band, would stand outside the motel where the Bears players (all of whom sucked) were staying and play all night long. (Rumors have it that alchohol was involved.)

Of course, very few Bears were able to get much sleep during those times, but since they sucked, it doesn't matter.

A second Major reason why the Bears suck is that they are from Chicago. As mentioned in an earlier article on this blog, it is common knowledge that everyone from Chicago sucks. Yes, everyone.

Bill Ayers sucks. Mayor(s) Daley all suck. All the Chicago old-time gangsters suck. The Chicago Cubs suck. Oprah sucks. Former Governor Blagovich sucks, but not nearly as much as Barack Obama, the sucking-est moron to ever come from Chicago. But all Chicago people suck. You know it as soon as you meet anyone from Chicago. They are loud. They are arrogant. They have the stupidest accent on the planet. They try to talk tough. They pretend like Chicago is the center of the universe (in which case they are correct if they are speaking of the Sucking quadrant of the universe.)

They talk down to you, as if there is some imaginary ladder in the world and they are several rungs higher up on it than you are. They think they are always right and that there can be no other opinion or reality than the fantasy that exists between their hairy brains.

They are always out to work you, to gain something, to use you for their benefit, to manipulate, to scheme, to con, to work the system or work under the system to gain any advantage.

In other words, Chicago people suck!

The third and final Major reason why the Bears suck is that there exists a Cosmic Vortex of Suck right there at Soldier Field in Chicago. Nobody knows when, why or how it got there, but all scientists know about its existence (except Al Gore's scientists, all of whom simply know how to finger-paint, eat animal crackers, and count to four.)

Where this Cosmic Vortex of Suck originates or leads to remains somewhat of a mystery, but there is some advanced speculation that it originates in Heaven's sewage plant and ends up in a Black Hole somewhere out there by Alpha Centauri. And, it is the fate of all Chicago Bears to end up there. Because of this fact, some scientists are considering renaming 'Black Holes' to 'Bear Holes,' but such efforts are in their early stages.

So with these three Major factors as evidence, every Cheesehead will be confident of one thing in the 2010-2011 NFL season, that the Chicago Bears Will Still Suck.

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