Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Even Santa Thinks The Bears Suck

Santa Claus could very well have brought an actual quarterback to Lambeau Field for the Chicago Bears' Christmas present this year. Instead they got an adequate one from the recycling bin, who still had a few interceptions left in him.

He also could have brought them some defensive backs that don't suck. But he hasn't figured out how to clone Charles Woodson yet.

He could have kept their playoff hopes alive. But title hopes in Chicago never live long. Neither does anything else, for that matter, like hope, success, optimism, a smile or things that are good.

In fact Santa doesn't even visit Chicago anymore because, as was evident in Christmas Day's NFL match up between the Bears and the Green Bay Packers, the Bears suck; and even Santa knows it.

It used to be that Santa stopped going to Illinois because on his way down from the north pole every year, he would have to pass through Wisconsin first. And every year the Cheeseheads, all of whom are armed deer hunters, would slaughter Santa's reindeer and he would have to use a couple of Ski-Doo's to get his sleigh home.

Santa got sick of that, and eventually when he saw that no residents of Chicago ever even qualified for his Christmas list, well, he just stopped going altogether except for that time he gave them Obama instead of the usual coal. (And later on in 2012, showing himself to be a bit punitive, Santa is going to drop the nation's Democrap's onto the city for their convention, the curse of curses for Chicago.)

Though, yes, the Bears did gain quite a few yards on the Packers, that doesn't make them special because everyone gains big yards on the Packers. The Packers give up yards like Obama gives other people your money.

And it was the score, not the yards, that determined the game. Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers didn't even play in the 4th quarter and the Packers still won 35-21. For Santa had given plenty of gifts to Rodgers, as in five touchdown passes. He also gave gifts to coach McCarthy, home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. In fact the only Packer Santa is not pleased with is Jermichael Finley, who could not catch a cold if he were flying through Manitoba strapped to the front of Santa's sleigh dressed like Lady Gaga. Santa has warned Finley that Tom Crabtree will be the Packers starting tight end if he doesn't start hanging on to the ball once in awhile.

Furthermore, he has also threatened to trade Finley to the Argentinian national soccer team, where you don't have to catch the ball, for 39 pesos, a hat, a mule and some home made tortillas. So Finley is clearly walking on thin tundra.

But let's hope that Santa also brought the Packers a pass rush for Christmas that they will open soon.

No comments: