Friday, September 30, 2011

Chicago Bears - Vortex of Suck

It is days after the Green Bay Packers most recent slaughtering of the Chicago Bears, but the extent of just how much the Bears suck still hasn't worn off or faded away. It just sits there…and bubbles.

Perhaps it is the vision of Bears sissy quarterback Jay Cutler flinching as he walked to the sidelines at one point in that last game. I guess with an ineffective offensive line like the Bears have it is understandable; Cutler gets more hits than Google. He is like Inspector Cluseau’s boss in the old Pink Panther movies, jittery, twitchy, shell-shocked.

Or maybe it is the realization of the expected disgust at how quickly Chicago and Bears fans revert to humanity’s lowest levels of behavior once they lose the game. They hate everybody. The coaches, the quarterback, the refs, the victors, each other; like tomato sauce at a spaghetti party – it’s everywhere. Of course you knew this was going to happen because it always does, but watching it raise its ugly head again is simply disgusting.

Even the city itself hates. Sunlight is not allowed within Chicago’s borders. Gloom just rolls in from Lake Michigan in the morning and rolls out again at night. Smiles are not allowed, nor is happiness; just obnoxious behavior. One is not allowed to speak unless his or her communication includes vulgarity, perversion, evil and psychotic fascinations. The regular intake of inhaled carbon monoxide and bus fumes is required.

But listening is banned. A Chicago-an must never listen, he can only speak. When someone tries to talk to him, he is forbidden from hearing what that person has to say. Instead, he must begin talking very loudly using plenty of curses, until his is the only voice. At that point he has won, so he moves on the next conflict.

It was probably fated that Chicago would always suck. If you look at a map, it becomes apparent that it is the very sewer for Lake Michigan. What happens when Lake Michigan gets flushed? You guessed it, all the nasty stuff drains right into Chicago. (You thought Soldier Field was a football stadium? Nope. Toilet bowl.)

Add to this that it is also the low-point in the region and the entire state of Wisconsin also drains right into Chicago. Just look at a map, it all runs downhill. These phenomena have in effect contributed in making Chicago what it is; essentially, the Vortex of Suck. In fact, Chicago’s Suck is so strong that residents of Green Bay do not even need to flush their toilets, the Suck from Chicago just pulls it through the pipes and it lands on the desk of the Chicago Bears head football coach. For as it turns out, Soldier Field is the very center of the Vortex of Suck.

Some would have you believe that it was the Bears who brought Suck to Chicago and created this vortex. This theory does not have scientific fact to back it up, however; kind of like Al Gore’s global warming.

So the Chicago Bears really stood little chance to do anything other than to suck. It seems to have been fate.

But given that their role is indeed to suck, they certainly are doing a fine job at that.

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