Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Packers Drop the Ball; Pummelled by Cyclone of Flags

The Green Bay Packers were no match for themselves Monday night at Soldier Field against the hated Chicago Bears. Neither were they prepared for the torrential downpour.

No, it wasn't typical crappy Chicago weather that was too much for the Packers, nor was it the Bears; it was the hailstorm of yellow penalty flags that paralyzed Green Bay, allowing the Bears to stick around and then eek out a win. There were more flags flying than pork-spending in Obama's 'Stimulus' bill. And, speaking of stimulus, flags were dropping faster than former Bears player and coach, Mike Ditka, could swallow Viagra tablets.

Rumor has it the penalty-blizzard was so bad that during the fourth quarter referees had to get replacement yellow flags because theirs were worn out from so much use. Other reports say that after the game, three or four members of the exhausted officiating team were seen with ice-bags strapped to their throwing shoulders, much like legendary heater-thrower Randy Johnson after nine innings.

And, in one case, as he was being loaded into an ambulance, one sedated referee said, on the condition of anonymity, "I am sure that I threw that flag at least three-hundred times tonight. I wore out my right arm and really hoped that the Packers would stop with their stupid mistakes; but they didn't. So I had to start throwing with my left arm and wore that one out as well. I will probably need surgery on both limbs and my season is likely over." That referee's wife and family were surrounding him, and though breaking out in tears, remained hopeful that things would turn out alright.

There were other very, very strange reports surrounding this contest. Early indications suggest that the grave site of legendary Green Bay coach Vince Lombardi experienced some highly unusual movement. Caretakers at the cemetery say they are quite certain that somehow, Lombardi's casket was doing somersaults underground and there was loud yelling coming from the area, the source of which has not been identified.

Meanwhile, and just as strangely, witnesses at the cemetery where Chicago Bears' notorious coach George Halas is interred swear that they saw a skeleton-ized fist push up through the ground somewhere around eleven o'clock p.m., which curiously is about the same time the Packers-Bears game ended. The fist, they say, pumped several times, and then signaled a five and a four before slipping back underground. (Of course number 54 for the Bears is Brian Urlacher, the formidable linebacker who stripped the ball from a Packer receiver late in the game setting up the Bears winning score.) The Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS), also known as television's 'Ghost Hunters' have been called to investigate both abnormalities.

As for the Packers, it seemed that there was some kind of contest among the players themselves to see not only who could get the most penalties, but who could get the stupidest.

Woodson had good defensive holding penalty. Chad Clifton had a nice false start call. Mark Tauscher must have thought he was Elvis the way he kept rocking on his heels instead of staying in his three-point stance. (Sure Chicago Bear defensive end Julius Pepper can get inside a lineman's head if the lineman lets him, but getting into EVERY lineman's head is quite an accomplishment.)

The defensive backfield, apparently trying hard to out-do the offensive line late in the game, attempted to get a penalty-per play. They nearly succeeded; and gave Cutler and the Bears game-winning field position with their pass interference wizardry. Rookies defensive backs who don't even have names yet were able to contribute to the flag-fest.

But the best penalty of the night went to Frank Zumbo who gave the Bears cry-baby quarterback, Jay Cutler a shot to the head which nullified a key Green Bay interception and seemed to have changed the momentum of the game.

But rather than beat on Zumbo, who is a pretty good player, let's talk about Cutler. This clown is the biggest four-year old ever to play in the NFL. He whines, pouts and sulks the whole game.

Clay Matthews, instead of grabbing the boy's face mask and giving the Bears a first down, should have driven Cutler's helmet, Eagle-style, into the turf. Perhaps a concussion would wipe that gloomy, owly expression off of Cutler's face.

The only difference between Cutler and the Bears' former drunk quarterback, Kyle Orton, is that Orton's face looked that way because he was hung over on game day.

Oh, and Cutler doesn't puke on the field like Orton.

No, Cutler drools.

And the Chicago Bears SUCK!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Green Bay Buffaloes the Bills

The Green Bay Packers fell asleep in the second quarter of the game against the Bills on Sunday. Resting on a 13-0 lead, the Packers' napped while Buffalo pushed the football up the field in several impressive drives, closing the score to 13-7 and holding the Packers to zero first downs in that quarter.

But it was not the Packers who were dreaming; it was the Bills.

For in the second half, after perhaps a colorful 'No-Doh's!' speach by coach Mike McCarthy, the Packers showed up awake and turned their game from Lambeau Sleeps to Lambeau Leaps, scoring a bevy of touchdowns in dominant fashion. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers almost ran out of receivers to throw scoring passes to and even attempted a Lambeau Leap of his own (the results of that? Well, let's just say that Rodgers has a better arm than he has hops...)

But it was not only the offense that was buffaloing the Bills, the defense had also awakened. Led by the relentless, reckless and ravaging play of Green Bay's linebackers, the Bills offense didn't know which way was up. They also might have thought that Green Bay's Clay Matthews was a member of the Bills own backfield, because he was spending so much time there.

Matthews, the second year phenom off to a blazing start, was credited with three incredible quarterback sacks, which gives him a total of six, and we are only two games in to the season. But his fellow backers were also extremely effective, with AJ Hawk not only in the game, but also in on almost every tackle, Nick Barnett playing like he had the Bills playbook memorized, and even Brandon Chillar playing solid and coming up with a key interception, which shifted the momentum of the entire game.

And despite missing running back Ryan Grant, who is out for the year, McCarthy's superb use of running back Brandon Jackson and the Fullbacks (which has sort of a 60's - band ring to it, don't you think?) pounded out yards effectively. While not exactly making Packer fans say, 'Ryan Who?' it was nice to see that there is no need to panic with Grant out.

For Jackson is a totally capable high-level running back, able to handle all the duties of his position. And defenses had better start preparing for the Packers' power game, because the fullbacks do bring brute force up the middle back into the NFL, where it has been missing for quite some time. So the running game remains in good shape.

The receiving game also is in good shape; or would a better term be: the receiving corps is in better shape than a Hugh Hefner roommate?

For not only do Driver, Jennings and Jones make up one of the best receiving cadre in the NFL, nobody has even figured out what created species to put out there to guard the Packers tight end, Jermichael Finley, who himself may not even be human. So dominant is he, that rumors have it that Lee Majors, i.e. The Bionic Man, and Arnold Schwarz-the-Governator, i.e. The Terminator are suing Finley for violating their patents and using some of their cyborg body parts.

At 6'5" and 245 lbs., along with great hands and speed, Finley brings another dimension to the Packer's dynamic and deadly offense; and one which nobody seems to have an answer for.

So with three quarters of good football, good special teams and impressive play (minus that second quarter), the Packers played some nice football, and thoroughly buffaloed the Bills.

Game ball: Clay Barn-illar-hawk.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Packers Pluck Eagles; No Rust on Vick

One has to wonder what in the world Philadelphia Eagles' coach Andy Reid was thinking by starting someone who's name is Kevin Kolb at quarterback when a phenomenon named Michael Vick is standing on the sideline, holding a helmet.

During the first half, when Kolb was trying his luck at moving the Eagles into the teeth of the Green Bay defense, he demonstrated what a non-phenomenon he is. The only thing he did for the Eagles was to let the Packer's Clay Matthews catch him from behind so that Matthews could slam his face deep into the dirt beneath the grass for him, giving Kolb a game-ending concussion. That, of course, meant that Michael Vick would take the helm in the second half. More on that in a moment...

But still in the brutal first half, Kolb was not the only Eagle to bite the dust; the Eagles bodies were falling like Democratic Congressmen this coming November. A total of four Eagles left the game with injuries, as did Packers running back, Ryan Grant.

Meanwhile, the Green Bay Packers were putting up more points than Larry King has wives; and, it turns out, they would need them all because Michael Vick was about to launch his second career.

Now I have never been a Michael Vick-hater. I think that he manned up and did his time for his crimes and deserves a second chance like we all do. What boggles my mind is why, even last year, Coach Reid played Donavon McRedskin ahead of Vick.

Because when Vick was finally given his redemptive opportunity today, he made it very apparent that any prison rust he might have been carrying around with him has all been chipped away. And though I believe that the Packers can hang with an Eagle team with Vick, he certainly did present some containment problems for the Packers defense because of his predictable unpredictability.

With legs, moves and speed reminiscent of Detroit's Barry Sanders, Vick led the Eagles from a deep deficit and made a game out of it. (Please note, that though Vick resembles aspects of Barry Sanders, it is Sanders alone who is the only NFL player who actually could be two places at one time - here and there, simultaneously.)

It took yet another tough and heroic play by the Packers Clay Matthews to put an end to the Eagles final charge when he stopped Vick short of a first down late in the fourth quarter.

For Matthews, he picked up right where he left off last year as did The Cat, Charles Woodson, who forced a fumble and played predatory defense, as he always does.

Also looking good for Green Bay was Jordy Nelson with his three long kickoff returns, either making Green Bay's weak pre-season special teams play look like a fluke, or solidifying a role for himself for the rest of the season.

Quarterback Aaron Rodgers played pretty solid football after a slow start, but did throw two rare interceptions. Full back Kuhn brought the smash into Philadelphia's mouth with some impressive runs, and the rest of the offense did a pretty nice job.

So for the first outing of the season, Green Bay had more positives than negatives, played pretty good football, made some good big plays, and did not have to face Michael Vick for both halves.

It was a good win against an always-good Philadelphia Eagles team.

Game ball: Clay Matthews.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Results of Packers-Chiefs Game: The Bears Still Suck! and The Three Major Reasons Why

Photo by John Sleezer

Realistically, the Packers final preseason game against Kansas City was simply, "Let's see who isn't going to get injured," and "Let's see who is going to get cut."

So we had key starters not even playing, up-and-comers getting their chance, and those on the bubble trying to get one last chance to convince the coach to keep them on the roster. In kick-returner Cherry's case, I don't think the coaches were convinced. In running back Lumpkin's case, he might have done enough to save his skin, depending on how the Packers want their backfield aligned.

But all those decisions are the ones that coach McCarthy and all the other NFL coaches are making at this moment; though choices that can change lives and teams.

And besides these types of decisions, there were really few other revelations to arise out of the Packers-Chiefs game except this: The Bears Still Suck!

Yes, we know the Packers will be pretty good this year, or even very good; and there is the chance that they might be great. We don't really care about the Kansas City Chiefs, where they are at or how they actually thought they looked against the Packers. Cheeseheads don't care and say to the Chiefs, 'You had your chance in Super Bowl I and we cleaned up on you, so whatever.'

Which leaves the only telling result from this game, namely the extreme suckiness of the Chicago Bears.

For those who do not know, the Bears have sucked since they were mere Cub-glints in George Halas' eyes. In fact one of the three main contributing factors as to why the Bears do suck, the fact that George Halas himself sucked, is one reason why the Bears were doomed to suck forever from the very beginning. (May the reader please note, though there are three Major reasons why the Bears suck, there are thousands or even millions of less-than-major reasons which contribute to why the Bears suck. Such reasons cannot be called Minor, because nothing that makes you suck is minor, hence they are referred to as less-than-major.)

Yes George Halas sucked. Out of respect for his family we will concede that since his passing, he no longer sucks. But while he was here, the old goat sucked heavily.

He did underhanded and unethical things to the Packers, which then forced Cheeseheads to retaliate. One such story of Cheeseheads being forced to get even is when the Bears would come to town, a rag-tag team of Cheesehead 'musicians,' posing as a band, or perhaps even the actual City Band, would stand outside the motel where the Bears players (all of whom sucked) were staying and play all night long. (Rumors have it that alchohol was involved.)

Of course, very few Bears were able to get much sleep during those times, but since they sucked, it doesn't matter.

A second Major reason why the Bears suck is that they are from Chicago. As mentioned in an earlier article on this blog, it is common knowledge that everyone from Chicago sucks. Yes, everyone.

Bill Ayers sucks. Mayor(s) Daley all suck. All the Chicago old-time gangsters suck. The Chicago Cubs suck. Oprah sucks. Former Governor Blagovich sucks, but not nearly as much as Barack Obama, the sucking-est moron to ever come from Chicago. But all Chicago people suck. You know it as soon as you meet anyone from Chicago. They are loud. They are arrogant. They have the stupidest accent on the planet. They try to talk tough. They pretend like Chicago is the center of the universe (in which case they are correct if they are speaking of the Sucking quadrant of the universe.)

They talk down to you, as if there is some imaginary ladder in the world and they are several rungs higher up on it than you are. They think they are always right and that there can be no other opinion or reality than the fantasy that exists between their hairy brains.

They are always out to work you, to gain something, to use you for their benefit, to manipulate, to scheme, to con, to work the system or work under the system to gain any advantage.

In other words, Chicago people suck!

The third and final Major reason why the Bears suck is that there exists a Cosmic Vortex of Suck right there at Soldier Field in Chicago. Nobody knows when, why or how it got there, but all scientists know about its existence (except Al Gore's scientists, all of whom simply know how to finger-paint, eat animal crackers, and count to four.)

Where this Cosmic Vortex of Suck originates or leads to remains somewhat of a mystery, but there is some advanced speculation that it originates in Heaven's sewage plant and ends up in a Black Hole somewhere out there by Alpha Centauri. And, it is the fate of all Chicago Bears to end up there. Because of this fact, some scientists are considering renaming 'Black Holes' to 'Bear Holes,' but such efforts are in their early stages.

So with these three Major factors as evidence, every Cheesehead will be confident of one thing in the 2010-2011 NFL season, that the Chicago Bears Will Still Suck.