Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Even Santa Thinks The Bears Suck

Santa Claus could very well have brought an actual quarterback to Lambeau Field for the Chicago Bears' Christmas present this year. Instead they got an adequate one from the recycling bin, who still had a few interceptions left in him.

He also could have brought them some defensive backs that don't suck. But he hasn't figured out how to clone Charles Woodson yet.

He could have kept their playoff hopes alive. But title hopes in Chicago never live long. Neither does anything else, for that matter, like hope, success, optimism, a smile or things that are good.

In fact Santa doesn't even visit Chicago anymore because, as was evident in Christmas Day's NFL match up between the Bears and the Green Bay Packers, the Bears suck; and even Santa knows it.

It used to be that Santa stopped going to Illinois because on his way down from the north pole every year, he would have to pass through Wisconsin first. And every year the Cheeseheads, all of whom are armed deer hunters, would slaughter Santa's reindeer and he would have to use a couple of Ski-Doo's to get his sleigh home.

Santa got sick of that, and eventually when he saw that no residents of Chicago ever even qualified for his Christmas list, well, he just stopped going altogether except for that time he gave them Obama instead of the usual coal. (And later on in 2012, showing himself to be a bit punitive, Santa is going to drop the nation's Democrap's onto the city for their convention, the curse of curses for Chicago.)

Though, yes, the Bears did gain quite a few yards on the Packers, that doesn't make them special because everyone gains big yards on the Packers. The Packers give up yards like Obama gives other people your money.

And it was the score, not the yards, that determined the game. Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers didn't even play in the 4th quarter and the Packers still won 35-21. For Santa had given plenty of gifts to Rodgers, as in five touchdown passes. He also gave gifts to coach McCarthy, home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. In fact the only Packer Santa is not pleased with is Jermichael Finley, who could not catch a cold if he were flying through Manitoba strapped to the front of Santa's sleigh dressed like Lady Gaga. Santa has warned Finley that Tom Crabtree will be the Packers starting tight end if he doesn't start hanging on to the ball once in awhile.

Furthermore, he has also threatened to trade Finley to the Argentinian national soccer team, where you don't have to catch the ball, for 39 pesos, a hat, a mule and some home made tortillas. So Finley is clearly walking on thin tundra.

But let's hope that Santa also brought the Packers a pass rush for Christmas that they will open soon.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Lombardi Kicks Al Davis' Butt in Afterlife Game

Somewhere above the clouds yesterday beloved Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi was once again getting some excitement.

Of course, you thought the game was between coach McCarthy and the Raiders coach, or Aaron Rodgers against the Oakland defense. Nope, you were wrong.

The real action was up there in heaven where once again, like in days of lore, coach Lombardi got to welcome one of heaven's newest citizens, Al Davis, to the place by schooling Davis again and eating his lunch.

Just for kicks, Lombardi dropped a watermelon into the bellies of the Raiders kicking professionals. It was quite apparent by looking at Janikowski or the punter that Lombardi had succeeded, with the front of their jerseys protruding like a pregnant cat.

Lombardi also tossed down some arthritis into aging Raiders quarterback Carson Palmer, though Davis countered and at least got Palmer out of his wheel chair long enough to play a few quarters of questionable football.

When Davis tried some of his magic against the Packers by putting a hard pass rush on quarterback Aaron Rodgers, it backfired as Davis had forgotten to figure in the Kansas Flash, Jordy Nelson. Lombardi made him pay for that twice.

Davis also tried to tried to squelch the running game by making sure James Starks could not play, even going to the extent of limiting his own running back, McFadden. However, Lombardi, who didn't just arrive in heaven that morning, had his own plans and enabled running back Ryan Grant to have his best day of the season.

One did go to the Raiders, though, as Davis engineered the injury of Packer deep threat Greg Jennings who had to leave the game. Jennings, however, is a man of faith himself and personal friend of Jesus. So Davis will probably have some 'splainin to do about that one.

But just like in Super Bowl II, where the AFL's Oakland Raiders tried to climb the ladder into the big leagues, Lombardi had too much mojo for them. Too much talent. Too much execution. Too much planning. Too much karma.

And like that January day back in 1968, Lombardi once again got to punk Al Davis.

After all, the NFL trophy IS named the Lombardi trophy, and not the Davis trophy, now isn't it?

Good game, Pack.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Packers Beat Giants but Play Like Sibyl

Yes, they beat the New York football Giants today, but the Green Bay Packers play football like Sybil.

It is more than mere dysfunction, it is more like psychosis.

How else can you explain a team that can just as easily cut its own wrists or kill you dead on any given play?

One second the opponent is running circles around your defensive backfield making them look like second-graders, the next second the defense is picking off Eli Manning and running into the end zone untouched.

At one moment they can be giving up an Aaron Rodgers sack, and the next Jordy Nelson can be making impossible body moves to bring in a timely long pass.

On one play, the offense can be moving the ball, but the next, kill the momentum with mindless false start penalties.

The Packers can be very great or very bad on any given play. If they were your wife, you'd plan to renew your wedding vows and also try to kill each other.

It's like combining Halloween and Easter. Or putting asparagus in your ice cream. Or working at a sewage plant in Hawaii. The contrasts are extreme and disturbing.

But that is what the Green Bay Packers are this year. They are both the best team in football and, in some ways, the worst team in football. And if that is not the Sibyl of the NFL, nothing can be.

We'll be sleeping with one eye open the rest of the season.