Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Packers Drop the Ball; Pummelled by Cyclone of Flags

The Green Bay Packers were no match for themselves Monday night at Soldier Field against the hated Chicago Bears. Neither were they prepared for the torrential downpour.

No, it wasn't typical crappy Chicago weather that was too much for the Packers, nor was it the Bears; it was the hailstorm of yellow penalty flags that paralyzed Green Bay, allowing the Bears to stick around and then eek out a win. There were more flags flying than pork-spending in Obama's 'Stimulus' bill. And, speaking of stimulus, flags were dropping faster than former Bears player and coach, Mike Ditka, could swallow Viagra tablets.

Rumor has it the penalty-blizzard was so bad that during the fourth quarter referees had to get replacement yellow flags because theirs were worn out from so much use. Other reports say that after the game, three or four members of the exhausted officiating team were seen with ice-bags strapped to their throwing shoulders, much like legendary heater-thrower Randy Johnson after nine innings.

And, in one case, as he was being loaded into an ambulance, one sedated referee said, on the condition of anonymity, "I am sure that I threw that flag at least three-hundred times tonight. I wore out my right arm and really hoped that the Packers would stop with their stupid mistakes; but they didn't. So I had to start throwing with my left arm and wore that one out as well. I will probably need surgery on both limbs and my season is likely over." That referee's wife and family were surrounding him, and though breaking out in tears, remained hopeful that things would turn out alright.

There were other very, very strange reports surrounding this contest. Early indications suggest that the grave site of legendary Green Bay coach Vince Lombardi experienced some highly unusual movement. Caretakers at the cemetery say they are quite certain that somehow, Lombardi's casket was doing somersaults underground and there was loud yelling coming from the area, the source of which has not been identified.

Meanwhile, and just as strangely, witnesses at the cemetery where Chicago Bears' notorious coach George Halas is interred swear that they saw a skeleton-ized fist push up through the ground somewhere around eleven o'clock p.m., which curiously is about the same time the Packers-Bears game ended. The fist, they say, pumped several times, and then signaled a five and a four before slipping back underground. (Of course number 54 for the Bears is Brian Urlacher, the formidable linebacker who stripped the ball from a Packer receiver late in the game setting up the Bears winning score.) The Atlantic Paranormal Society (TAPS), also known as television's 'Ghost Hunters' have been called to investigate both abnormalities.

As for the Packers, it seemed that there was some kind of contest among the players themselves to see not only who could get the most penalties, but who could get the stupidest.

Woodson had good defensive holding penalty. Chad Clifton had a nice false start call. Mark Tauscher must have thought he was Elvis the way he kept rocking on his heels instead of staying in his three-point stance. (Sure Chicago Bear defensive end Julius Pepper can get inside a lineman's head if the lineman lets him, but getting into EVERY lineman's head is quite an accomplishment.)

The defensive backfield, apparently trying hard to out-do the offensive line late in the game, attempted to get a penalty-per play. They nearly succeeded; and gave Cutler and the Bears game-winning field position with their pass interference wizardry. Rookies defensive backs who don't even have names yet were able to contribute to the flag-fest.

But the best penalty of the night went to Frank Zumbo who gave the Bears cry-baby quarterback, Jay Cutler a shot to the head which nullified a key Green Bay interception and seemed to have changed the momentum of the game.

But rather than beat on Zumbo, who is a pretty good player, let's talk about Cutler. This clown is the biggest four-year old ever to play in the NFL. He whines, pouts and sulks the whole game.

Clay Matthews, instead of grabbing the boy's face mask and giving the Bears a first down, should have driven Cutler's helmet, Eagle-style, into the turf. Perhaps a concussion would wipe that gloomy, owly expression off of Cutler's face.

The only difference between Cutler and the Bears' former drunk quarterback, Kyle Orton, is that Orton's face looked that way because he was hung over on game day.

Oh, and Cutler doesn't puke on the field like Orton.

No, Cutler drools.

And the Chicago Bears SUCK!

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