The Bears Have Always Sucked

Let's just get this out in the open right away; Chicago sucks. All of it.

If you have been to Chicago you already know what I mean. It's ugly, dirty, colder than crap, windy-er than Bengal's receiver Chad Johnson Ochocinco, and just a slimy place to be. Just driving through makes you feel dank, cheap and hopeless.

If you have never been there, consider yourself lucky.

And every person from Chicago sucks. All of them. They are rude, bossy, pretentious, loud-mouthed, crass, and as dumb as bricks. I even once had a college room-mate from the Chicago area. I was so impressed with him that I can't even remember his name. He liked himself enough for the both of us, so I guess I never had to.

They all have one other thing in common: they think Chicago is the center of the entire universe and people from Chicago are superior to all created beings. I'll bet you just went down the list of every single person you know who is from Chicago and realized that they all fit this mold; you know I'm right.

It's like they always are thinking that they are at the top of the food chain...but why would people view all of life through the lens of a food chain? Is life in that city such a zoo that one can only aspire to attempted domination? It's pathetic.

Which brings us to the football team which hails from this depressing slum: the hated Chicago Bears, who have sucked from the beginning. They are the same pathetic bunch of hacks that they have always been. Some thugs mixed in with some meat-heads, a few greasy pretty-boys, perhaps an athlete or two, some under-achieving former college heroes and a handful of number runners with a coach who's job is never secure past noon.

And none of them can speak a complete sentence without an equal number of adjectival curse words and nouns; check that - none of them can even speak a complete sentence, period.

"But now we've Cutler," one of them mumbles in a growling, caveman-like grunt, sans the complete sentence. So Jay Cutler is the latest Midway Messiah, is he? Too bad for Jay. In only a few short weeks he will reek like all Chicago Bears quarterbacks do. Any attributes of excellence he may have brought with him from Denver will soon be washed to to mediocrity by Chicago's darkish clouds of gloom that always turn all colors to gray.

By the Bears' bye week, he will be throwing his hangover up on the field; by Thanksgiving he will have more interceptions than touchdowns; and by January he will be huddled on the sidelines with either an injury or simply having the life sucked out of him by the overwhelming futility that always comes with being either from Chicago, or a member of the Chicago Bears.

Yes, Jay Cutler's star has entered its dwarf stage just by showing up at training camp; he's doomed.

And Lovee's got no magic, no answers, no talent, no plan, no help, no backing and no strategy; the only apparent qualification he might have by the end of a year of failure is to hold office in Chicago politics...

Because Chicago politicians suck, Lovee sucks, Cutler sucks, Urlacher sucks, the whole team sucks and they always have.

Packers 38. Bears 24.